I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
