Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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