I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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