I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
