do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
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FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
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If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
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