Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
