The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
