1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Your shirt... Was in my pants
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
