its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
