My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
