i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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