its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
