new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
