My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
