She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
