is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
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I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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