I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
