if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
