When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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