But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
