Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
