Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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