you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Randomize
