you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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