i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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