dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
