there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
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