dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
You took a bar mat shot.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
