I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Randomize
