when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
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