It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
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It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
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I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
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