Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
