id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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