I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
