Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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