Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?