At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
