Jerry, you need to find god
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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