Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
