genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
im having a threesome with these popsicles
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I'm just crazy horny about you
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
