I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
