So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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