I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
