Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Randomize
