I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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