I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I'm too high and old for this...
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
