6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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