if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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