I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
It's blow job season.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
