If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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