The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
pop tarts are not kleenex
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I stole a fireplace last night.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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