I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
