i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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