Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
