you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
