when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
