Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
