ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
