Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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