I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
My liver just had a heart attack.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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