i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
