I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
