a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
